Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a very real phenomenon. It is emotional and psychological degradation in order to control a person. I have had personal experience being "gaslit", but it wasn't until my situation was pointed out to me by a friend that I learnt about this form of abuse. This is a new term in modern psychology.

From my personal experience, as well as having heard another person's experience, people who gaslight others are insecure and emotionally unwell, and are for the most part, harmless. I am not really sure the person who is doing the gaslighting is even aware they are doing it a lot of the time. Generally, I do not believe that the people doing the gaslighting mean to hurt the person, but rather that it's a result of poor self-esteem and inability to process feelings of inadequacy.

This article clearly defines what gaslighting is. You can click on the link to read more, but for a quick review, below are the characteristics:

• Targets of gaslighting are manipulated into turning against their cognition, their emotions, and who they fundamentally are as people”
• Defining and trying to exert how they think you should feel
• Dismissal of your feelings as “crazy,” “dramatic,” “overreacting,” or “emotional” (sometimes, abusers will use others to validate their point of view and invalidate your belief in yourself: such as, “everyone thinks you’re crazy”)
• Refusing to take responsibility for their actions or how they made you feel (they may try to frame everything, including your pain, as “your fault”)

Another point that is not listed - that was personally the last straw for me - is being told that something you said or did didn't actually happen/take place. This can also result in the feeling of being "crazy", or having imagined something, which is a key component of gaslighting. Because I have an excellent memory, I finally drew the line. I saw that I had no more fight in me, and I walked away. 

If you are being subjected to gaslighting, seek professional help. I believe in working through problems, and unless there is physical or sexual abuse, I believe that this disease in a relationship can be healed. If I knew about triggers and trauma when I was being gaslit, I might have been able to assess and address what was happening, and begin a reparation process. That said, I do not regret ending my relationship that I now know was my instinct to get out of a situation that I didn't have a name to yet. 

Ultimately, when a person is gaslighting us, it's because they do not want us to shine, or to be ourselves. This all goes back to them and their own feelings of self-esteem and self-worth. If we stay true to ourselves, our passions, and our convictions, we will have a greater chance putting out the fire.